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14 May 2006 @ 02:32 pm
SILENCE AND TEARS, CHAPTER 12  


Chapter 12: Justin’s POV

My blood has turned to ice. My stomach is twisted into a Gordian knot. Sex is out of the picture, because he’s so beat up, so I turn to another disassociation I learned from Brian: sarcasm.

“I don’t suppose that means you want a kitten?” I ask. What an ass I can be.

He doesn’t crack a smile. “You think this is funny? You think this is easy for me to say?”

I sigh and rub my hands across my face. Of course it isn’t funny. Of course it isn’t easy for him to say. As for me, just hearing it is like being hit by a train. But kind of in a good way, however that’s possible. A train made out of marshmallows, maybe. Why am I thinking of these stupid things? Because I don’t know what to say. What I want to say will only make me want to cry. I finally get the balls to say it anyway. “Does that mean you’re looking for another partner?”

He grimaces. “Can you see me out there like Theodore going to Jewish singles parties to find myself a nice doctor?”

“You had a nice doctor who came to see you here tonight. I don’t know if he’s Jewish or not, but…”

“Stop. He was a trick. Period. I’m not interested in him. I’m not looking for another partner. I’m just telling you how I feel.”

There’s an element of relief to what he says. I suddenly feel like we’re a step closer to where we need to be, but still far from the finish line. “I guess I really want to hear you say that you don’t want to live alone anymore, and the person you want to live with you is me.”

“You know it is. Why do I have to say that?”

“Because I need to hear it, Brian. You told me you loved me for the first time when we were standing in a scene of utter chaos and devastation. You asked me to marry you when you were still in a slow boil over the fact that some crazy element of the straight community was willing to kill our kind rather than let us rally in favor of gay marriage. When you said that you loved me, I believed you. I felt like you were finally voicing what I had always known. When you asked me to marry you, I knew your motivation was fucked up. And even though I thought marriage was what I wanted at the time, I now know that it wasn’t. I don’t need that mansion in the country, that ceremony, that piece of paper. We’re here tonight with no bombs going off, no rage underlying your motivations, just the two of us. I need you to tell me exactly what you want from me, as if we lived in a perfect world.”

He winces, from the pain, or from the emotional burden, or both, and leans back with a moan. “I want you here with me. I want to know that when the lights go off, you’re sharing that bed with me. I don’t need to know where you are every minute, Justin, and I don’t want you dogging my every move, either. I want us to be together because we want to be together, not because of some convention that says we have to be together. I don’t expect you to be the little woman, preparing a hot meal for me every night. I don’t even want that. I want you to paint. I want you to sell. I want you to be the next Jackson Pollock, and I accept that it takes a lot of freedom and free time to create the way you do. Artists don’t work a nine to five schedule. I want to be free to go out with my friends when I want to, without recrimination, whether you join us or not. I may trick, occasionally. You may trick, occasionally. We may trick together. I don’t care about that so long as it’s meaningless, and who knows? Maybe we’ll mutually decide we’re past that part of it. I don’t know. I don’t see a reason to draw bright lines around our relationship right now. I think we let it evolve. But for that to happen, we need to have a relationship to begin with. We need to be together. I’m so tired of being lonely.”

I rest my hand on his uninjured knee and massage it gently. “I’m lonely too, Brian. Sometimes I think I’m losing my mind, I miss you so much. I guess the angst gets poured into my work, which is better than ever, but no matter how many people are around, if you’re not one of them, it’s not the same.”

“I know. So here we are. You have good and rational reasons for needing some distance. I have good and rational reasons for needing us to be together. Neither one of us wants the other to sacrifice his goals. So we’ve created a perfect picture of desolation.”

I smile and twist the beautiful bracelet on my wrist. “Your brooding Irish side always looks for the rainbow, doesn’t it?”

“Is there a rainbow?”

“For me, hearing you say you’re lonely and you want me with you is huge, Brian.”

“I’m happy to stroke your puny ego,” his sarcasm flares to life. “But the fact is, I don’t want you to stop doing what you feel you need to do just to put a band aid on my bleeding heart.”

“I know.”

“You’re the one with the perfect SAT scores. You tell me what the answer is.”

“Like you would ever listen to me.”

“I listen to you more than you’ll ever believe.”

I smile at that. I know he does. He hears me, he appears to blow me off, but he broods over what I say and makes his own decision, after taking it into account. I love that about him. “I don’t have a fast solution, Brian. I just have a request.”

“What’s that?”

“While we work on this dilemma, please don’t try to find some guy with a lot less issues than I have to fill that empty place in your loft.”

For the first time since coming here, I see that Kinney smile, the real thing, not something tense and forced. “Damn it, get me my phone so I can call off the auditions.”

“Not funny.”

“Yes, it is. Justin, from that very first night when I took your cherry, I knew this was different. I even wished you were older, that you’d already lived a lot of life so that we’d be closer to the same place. I didn’t let myself explore how much I cared for you, because I knew it was hopeless. You were a kid. You had to live before you decided to settle on anyone or anything. Cutting you off from those experiences, even if I could, would be wrong. So I let my walls stand, and reinforced them when they began to leak. But you still got through.”

I smile. “I told you I was in love with you from the moment I saw you.”

“That was lust. That was crush.”

“Maybe, but at some point, invisible to me, it became love. I love all the truly terrible things about you, Brian. I love your gruff, sophisticated boredom with all things romantic while underneath you are the most ridiculously romantic man in the world. I love your sex machine persona, even when you direct it at some other guy. I love seeing how other men react to you, and that fierce freedom in your style. I love knowing that even when you’re fucking them, you still love me. Only me. I love your toughness, how you act like testicular cancer is a vacation in Ibiza, how you finish that bike race in agony, how you let Gus move to Canada with his mommies, even though it broke your heart. But I also love how underneath that iron man exterior is vulnerability so raw it takes my breath away. I love how you protected me from my father’s hatred. I love how you came to the hospital every night when I was bashed. I love how you tried to recreate that dance for me. I love how you wore that bloody scarf next to your heart. I love your completely fucked up self-esteem issues and your ambition and your absolute decency. I love Brian Kinney. Not some domestic clone of Brian Kinney. I never want to change you. If you change as the result of experience or age or whatever, fine, I’ll love that version of you, too. But don’t do it for me. Don’t force it because you don’t want to lose me.”

I see that I moved him. His eyes glisten. Unconditional love is not something Brian Kinney has known in his life. Far from it. I haven’t given it to him, either, before now. But isn’t that really one of the biggest issues we have? We conditioned our love for each other. And we’re two people who require freedom in order to be together. He wiggles a finger, urging me to come closer. I stand and hover over him, not sure what to do, where to touch him. He puts his good arm behind me, urging me down. I kiss him, gently, on the lips. He parts his lips and lets his tongue find mine. We taste, we probe, and we connect. I see the color rise in his pale, pale skin. He has such a quick trigger; even now, in his present condition. I love his passion. He leans back with a sigh.

“This is torture. I hurt way too much to let this get started.”

I smile and smooth his hair. “I know.”

“I love your courage, Justin. The way you came back after that bashing, the way you stood up to your father, the way you call me on my shit,” he says with a smile. “I love your talent, your artistic eye, your creative mind, your perfect ass. I love the way you cried when I told you I didn’t believe in love, only in fucking, and yet you still wouldn’t give up. I love the way you had the balls to come after me following your fiasco with the fiddler, and how you wouldn’t let me walk away. I love how you can care for me without smothering me, without making me dependent. I love the way you play me, sometimes, reminding me of what matters, of who matters. I love that you saw beneath the Kinney façade and still wanted what you found there, quivering and cold,” he reaches out and touches my face. “We let other people, other circumstances come between us, Justin. The way others perceived us, and what we should need from life, had a terrible impact on our relationship. We operate best in a vacuum of our own creation. It’s not a relationship others necessarily understand or admire or want to emulate, but who gives a shit? If it works for us, why do we let other people and their conventions, chip away at what we know is right? They tell you that you deserve more, better, and maybe they’re right. They tell me I need to commit to you, be a steady partner, and yet in the same breath they tell me I need to let you go, so you can follow your dream, and maybe they’re right. But they’re also inconsistent. They say what they want to say when they want to say it, and let’s be real. Most of what they say is fucking hurtful. You let Michael convince you that you really wanted domestic bliss. You let Lindsay convince you that you really needed to move to New York. I let Michael convince me that I really want to be a party stud until I die, and I let Lindsay convince me that I was causing you to make a terrible sacrifice in order to be with me. Fuck Michael. Fuck Lindsay. What we need to decide is what Brian and Justin need and want. We have to shut off the outside world, because that’s the only way we really seem to work.”

As I listen to him, take in what he’s saying, I realize that what we just did, spontaneously, is to exchange the only kind of vows that really matter. We just told each other what we love about the other and why we want to be together, on our own terms. I know we can’t shut off the outside world and live in a vacuum of our own creation, but I also know exactly what he means by that. I have no idea how to make this work, but I have never loved him more than I do at this moment.

“I do,” I say softly. He looks perplexed.

“You do what?”

“I do take you as my lawfully wedded husband.”

He laughs. “I want some of what you’re mainlining.”

“What we just did is exchange vows, Brian.”

“We exchanged truths.”

“A vow is a declaration, a promise. No ceremony could mean more to me than what you just said.”

“We can’t have a wedding night when I’m too banged up to perform, so this doesn’t count.”

I smile. “It counts.”

“All we’ve done is tell each other how we feel. We haven’t solved a damn thing.”

“I know. But isn’t that what the rest of our lives for? Solving damn things? Together?”

“One step at a time, Pollyanna. We haven’t even talked about how we can be together, or even if we can be together.”

“And we will. But right now, you’re going to sleep. You look so tired. Move over.”

“What are you doing? There’s no room for you on this chair.”

“I’m not that big. I promise not to hurt your sore parts. I just want to be close to you.”

“You can’t get close to me without hurting my sore parts,” he complains, but I manage to find a little cove next to his body where I can lie on my side with one arm gently placed low on his abdomen and my head resting on his good shoulder. I snuggle under the comforter and close my eyes as I breathe in the slightly seamy scent of athletic exertion that was abruptly interrupted before he could shower. I don’t care. I love the way he smells.

I feel him relax in my embrace, and within minutes he’s asleep. With our luck, he’ll probably slip into a coma and die, that’s the way some would write our resolution. But I have other plans for him, plans that don’t include his premature death. I kiss his throat and then I, too, fall asleep, hoping I remember to wake up often enough to ensure he’s still alive.
 
 
Current Mood: surprisedsurprised
 
 
 
Deb: rareouldtimesdamietta on May 14th, 2006 07:01 pm (UTC)
Fuck Michael. Fuck Lindsay. Truer words have never been said.

The vows (as I was reading those paragraphs that's exactly what I thought they were, too) were amazing and right on. Those were the wonderful parts of the characters that we have become to know and love.

rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:38 am (UTC)
thanks, they were some of the things I love about the couple.
asm614: Manhattan Beach :: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE!!asm614 on May 14th, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
Oh Randall... This was beautiful.... I'm about thisclose to crying right now, but I'm smiling just the same.

I realize that what we just did, spontaneously, is to exchange the only kind of vows that really matter.

That was absolutely perfect... and I know they have a lot to work on, but this was such a huge and important step... So moving, and so much how I would want it to be for them, to be able to be so certain of what they have, what they mean to each other... Thank you.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:38 am (UTC)
thanks, I'm glad it hit you that way
thumpathumpa on May 14th, 2006 07:14 pm (UTC)
to put a band aid on my bleeding heart.”

...dies!

Was totally not expecting this so soon!
Tis good!!!


rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
thanks!
LadyoftheLight: Qaf - B/J 510 Hold onmarilla_pm67 on May 14th, 2006 07:23 pm (UTC)
I love the way you write the story, I love the story line, I love the pov version.
I just want to thanks you, because I love this story.
sorry my comment doesn't mean a lot, but It come from the heart, thanks.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
It does mean a lot! thank you for it.
armandyouidiotarmandyouidiot on May 14th, 2006 07:27 pm (UTC)
Randall, this is so perfect. I will always cherish this chapter.
Kim
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
thanks kim that's a very sweet thing to say
connorblondconnorblond on May 14th, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
Surprised?
try shocked instead - never expected this!

"what we did is exchange vows, Brian"

*thud*

Seems you had a nice weekend! Or at least I hope you had.
Connor
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)
i did, thanks Connor
Create Your Reality: true lovecourt1429 on May 14th, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
*waves limply from puddle on floor which is she who used to be Courtney*

This was just a lovely piece of writing, Randall. True, honest, plausible, full of love, and in-character in exactly the right doses.

So beneficial for Brian to hear that Justin loves him because of his faults not despite them, and to hear that he knows what's really underneath; that Justin sees and knows the core of Brian. And for Brian to tell Justin that he he's tired of being lonely and wants to know that Justin is there at night and again the next morning; for them to create their own relationship and acknowlege how much of their lives have been directed by the selfishness of their "family" is equally important.

Eager as always to see where you'll lead us next. Thanks for this one!
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:41 am (UTC)
thanks and get out of that puddle before you catch cold! BWAHAAA
Notincin: It was love to mereader1 on May 14th, 2006 07:37 pm (UTC)
How do you do it?
Ok, now I've got tears streaming down my face as I sit over the computer, and my family is wondering why writing my diet book would make cry! LOL! Little do they know that when I saw a new chapter of Alternatives, I would have to go and read.

This was so beautiful, that I have no words to describe how I feel about it. (I know, I know, I'll drone on and on trying to do it anyway!) You just put into words everything I love about the Brian and Justin relationship, and everything I hate about the way the leeches that called themselves their friends tried to destroy it. I have to go read this again, because I don't think that I really got all of the little gems here because my eyes were full of tears.

Thanks for this wonderful chapter, Randall. If I could have anything just for me, completely personal, for Mother's Day, it would be for Gale and Randy to act out this very scene. What a lovely dream!

Have a great day, and hug your kid for me. Sherrie
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:42 am (UTC)
Re: How do you do it?
happy mothers day sherrie, and when you get that private show with Gale and Randy, will you invite me? Pretty please???
Create Your Reality: bandaid heartcourt1429 on May 14th, 2006 07:38 pm (UTC)
“But the fact is, I don’t want you to stop doing what you feel you need to do just to put a band aid on my bleeding heart.”

*bandaids them both*
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:42 am (UTC)
theres my little bandaged heart!
(Anonymous) on May 14th, 2006 07:43 pm (UTC)
This did feel like a wedding. A crazy, mixed-up Brian/Justin kind of wedding, but a wedding nonetheless. They got all the important stuff out there, in a way that makes me think they can make it work. I'm especially glad that Justin realizes that he too never gave Brian unconditional love and how much Brian needs that.
Ann Marie
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:43 am (UTC)
yeah, the only kind of wedding I ever wanted for them was to see them understand and appreciate what they had
Notincinreader1 on May 14th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC)
Damn it!
I read it again, and I'm crying again. Really, really perfect Randall.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:43 am (UTC)
Re: Damn it!
thanks sherrie and sorry to make you cry on moms day
Thymeoasis6028 on May 14th, 2006 08:12 pm (UTC)
One word!
Exquisite.

Gayle
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:44 am (UTC)
Re: One word!
thank you gayle
Giorgia: inextricabletazza_di_jo on May 14th, 2006 08:17 pm (UTC)
This is how I've always imagined them marrying. No cerimony, no fanfare, nothing but an exchange of aknowledgement of how they feel and maybe, at most, commitment rings. That bracelet is even better.

Thank you.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:45 am (UTC)
yes, this is the way I did too.
(no subject) - tazza_di_jo on May 15th, 2006 09:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mi_nion on May 15th, 2006 09:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - tazza_di_jo on May 15th, 2006 09:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
vickif on May 14th, 2006 08:23 pm (UTC)
What a wonderful Mother's Day present. To me it sounded like vows. Thank you.
har2har2 on May 14th, 2006 08:57 pm (UTC)
This was so beautiful. It made me cry, especially what Justin said to Brian. You got it just right. And what Brian said was so right on. They are definitely going to make it. I loved that Justin snuggled up with Brian even though Brian was in pain. Awesome post, Ran. You made this rainy, shitty day a bit brighter here. It has been raining for a week straight here in CT and there is no end in sight. Blech!
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
claudj28claudj28 on May 14th, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)
This feedback thing is becoming so frustrating because I'm having a hard time finding new words and ways to describe how wonderful this is! lol

At first I felt the same relief as Justin after Brian said he didn't want to find someone else. And you're so right that all the important moments in their relationship happened after something huge like Brian turning 30; him losing everything; the bombing etc. Now it just took a little accident and some meddleing (?) women! lolol But it was simply perfect!!!

We need to be together
Yes, they really do. It is so brave of Brian for saying those things.

Both of their declaration of love were so beautiful because they didn't just tell the good things; they also included the not so perfect stuff, and I think they both needed to hear that as well. I can't repeat it often enough how much I love this honesty both of them are showing. Who said that 'sometimes the people we end up loving the most are the hardest to love because they give us what we need and not what we want'??? I don't remember but it's especially true with Brian and Justin!

...I have never loved him more than I do at this moment
And I never loved your writing more than I do now. But I know you'll even top this! :-)

Thank you.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
i dont know about that, but I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.
germansoulmate on May 14th, 2006 09:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Thank you.

I see that chapter as mother day gift...a added one.

Now off to read it.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
happy mothers day!
TKtclark1922 on May 14th, 2006 09:41 pm (UTC)
Randall, I'm in tears because of how beautifully you write but also because you have found a genuine way to have Brian & Justin connect. Best Justin line:But I also love how underneath that iron man exterior is vulnerability so raw it takes my breath away. and best Brian line: I love that you saw beneath the Kinney façade and still wanted what you found there, quivering and cold,”. Brian is right in that they operate best when they keep the others out. Once they agree on this and how to do it, the manipulations of Mikey, Lindsay and all the others will be for naught. Loved this scene!

Peace
TK
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:48 am (UTC)
I agree that is exactly what they need to do.
Wrenwren_kt7oz on May 14th, 2006 09:42 pm (UTC)
What I want to say will only make me want to cry. I finally get the balls to say it anyway. “Does that mean you’re looking for another partner?”

Oh, Justin! I don't know whether to smack him or give him a hug.

Unconditional love is not something Brian Kinney has known in his life. Far from it.

Damned right!

We conditioned our love for each other. And we’re two people who require freedom in order to be together.

And that, right there, might just be the most perceptive comment I've read about these two.

That's exactly what they did. What they had to do, I guess, in order for their love to survive at all, in those early days. But it was a pattern, and they kept to it long after it was appropriate or healthy.

Thank you, Ran. That line has given me much to think about.

Well, and the rest of the post just made me go all marshmallow.


I manage to find a little cove next to his body where I can lie on my side with one arm gently placed low on his abdomen and my head resting on his good shoulder.

Ah! *sighs happily*

Oh, one more quote that made me smile and nod happily in agreement ...

I love your gruff, sophisticated boredom with all things romantic while underneath you are the most ridiculously romantic man in the world.

Yes, yes he is.

oh, I loved this post!
Wrenwren_kt7oz on May 14th, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
Sorry - one more thing I wanted to comment on.

I’m so tired of being lonely.

That made my heart ache, because I believe that Brian has been lonely for a long, long time - before ever he met Justin under that street lamp. I don't think he exactly knew it - but I think he was.

And then Justin came along, and gradually that loneliness went away. He learned that he didn't have to feel that way all the time, that the emptiness and pain weren't his natural state of being.

How devastating, then, when Justin left, and all that lifelong loneliness and pain poured back in!

Oh, I do love Brian so.



(no subject) - rand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
Still want him in your pack?: loved 513 by paddies_alicesprings on May 14th, 2006 11:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you ♥
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:50 am (UTC)
you're welcome
Bow ties are cool.: Love Storymi_nion on May 14th, 2006 11:32 pm (UTC)
Randall this post has me in tears. This is healing I needed. So beautiful. This is the love story I saw begin so many years ago.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:50 am (UTC)
for me it is. thanks, A
A fanjustinlovesart on May 14th, 2006 11:33 pm (UTC)
Next time someone asks me why I think Brian and Justin are perfect for each other, I will send them to this chapter. After these declarations they cannot fuck it up!

They brought down Stockwell, together. Surely they can work out a living arrangement that satisfies them both!
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:51 am (UTC)
you'd think! BWAHAAA
Vivvivrbn on May 14th, 2006 11:50 pm (UTC)
As Brian said, they still need to figure out the how to's, but at least they've gotten through the whys (why they want to be with each other). Very nice. Many "awww" inspired moments.

lol...while reading through their declarations, I was envisioning what the announcement for their commitment ceremony might read "Groom number 1 wore a lovely set of bandages while groom number 2 looked exquisite in his T and sweats". I am *so* warped.
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:52 am (UTC)
BWAHAA! I like it!!
(Anonymous) on May 15th, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)
Ran:

I'm still commenting. Maybe my words didn't convey what I felt earlier, but it doesn't matter.this chapter felt so right. Vows- wow Justin said that and it was perfect. I'm like Sherrie and wish that this would have been on tv. I'm not going ot repeat all the wonderful comments that have been posted, but wanted to let you know that watching them accept their loneliness and desire to be together in their own way through your writing is wonderful. I'm glad that you are so eloquent and capture them so well.

sfscarlet
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:53 am (UTC)
I'm glad you think so and I appreciate your comments very much
film102: my charcoal Justin  Taylorfilm102 on May 15th, 2006 12:58 am (UTC)
Oh, my God!
Repeat 7 times and you will know how I feel and how wide the smile is on my face. it's Christmas! Burn, and SAT, and P/CP all on one day. Getting away must get the creative juices flowing.

I can't get away from double entendres so trust you know what I mean. ;-)

Lyn
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:53 am (UTC)
Re: Oh, my God!
we had time, no internet and a computer. BWAHAAA
sassy111sassy111 on May 15th, 2006 01:13 am (UTC)
Wonderful chapter, Thank you:)
rand_altrand_alt on May 15th, 2006 08:54 am (UTC)
thanks!