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31 May 2006 @ 06:00 am
SILENCE AND TEARS, Chapter 20, Justin's POV  



Six Months Later.


I know he isn’t coming, so why do I keep looking for him? It’s not his fault. I’m disappointed, but not mad at him for staying away. He had legitimate business to take care of, a huge pitch and a dinner with potential clients from Europe, so it couldn’t be postponed. He’ll be here this weekend. We can come to the gallery together while he’s in town, but it’s not the same as my opening.

He feels terrible about it, so I need to let it go. But more than all of these art junkies and art critics and skinny people in black trying to be cool, I wish Brian were here. I know he would hang back on the fringes, not wanting to interfere as I circulate among all the chardonnay sippers telling me I’m brilliant. Occasionally I’d catch his eye and he’d give me that Kinney smirk that says “Don’t get too full of yourself. The adulation is bullshit, it’s the work that matters.”

The work is good.

The best work I’ve ever done.

I’m proud of it, even though I’m absolutely exhausted from working my part time jobs and painting all hours. When I’d go to Pittsburgh to visit him, all I ever wanted to do was fuck and sleep. In that order. Then I’d be back in my little attic garret painting like a mad man.

This show fell out of the sky for me. The owner of the gallery saw my painting in the restaurant where I work as a waiter a few nights a week. They let me hang art on the brick walls, and I’ve sold more than a few to diners. Not cheap prices, but not huge, and the owner of the restaurant gets a cut. This gallery owner not only bought it, but resold it for three times what he paid and then asked to see what else I had.

I remember thinking he looked as out of place as Brian does in my workspace, standing in this dusty room, overpowered by the stench of oil based paint and turpentine, his expensive suit in constant danger of brushing something wet and being ruined by it. Unlike Brian, who loves everything I paint with the bias of a partner, this guy was very critical and picky, segregating the exact canvases I consider my best work. And so the gallery exhibition was born.

I was five canvases short of an exhibition, with two months to pull it together. Brian was very understanding, traveling to New York instead of asking me to travel, sacrificing time together when he was here so that I could work. How unfair that on the big night, he had a conflict. This effort was almost as much his as mine. Certainly he was the one factor that kept me sane. When I thought I couldn’t do it, couldn’t keep going, he told me I wasn’t a quitter and kicked my ass back to the studio.

My mom is here, Daphne is here, we’ll have a great late dinner together when it’s all over, and I’ll crash at their hotel. But Brian…I pause in front of the one portrait among all the abstractions. He hasn't seen this and it’s not for sale. The gallery owner wanted me to hang it just so they could see what he called the “depth” of my range. It’s clearly marked “Artist’s Private Collection”. The name of portrait is “His Eyes”. It’s a huge close up of Brian’s face, concentrating on his incredible, all seeing, all feeling eyes.

Daphne gasped when she saw it and my mother cried a little. Women. Brian would grimace and ask me who it was supposed to be. But I know he’d be touched and flattered. For me, it was a work of love, a way of pouring my feelings for him into the paint and letting it spread across a blank canvas. It kept him with me when he was gone. I could look across my studio and see that face and feel less alone.

As the evening progresses, I notice more and more paintings are marked with little red dots, signifying a sale. Of course the owner gets a cut, just like at the restaurant, but even with that, I should be doing pretty well. No telling what the critics are going to say about the work. This is New York. They can be cruel.

“Who’s the hot stud in the portrait?”

I turn and stare at him in disbelief. No way! He looks irresistible in all black, dressed as the bad guy for summer. Black silk shirt, black linen trousers, a black alligator belt with a silver buckle. I lose my studied, New York artiste cool completely and throw my arms around his neck, knocking him back a little with a kiss. He laughs and peels me off of his body.

“Control yourself, Picasso. We’re among the cool kids.”

I can’t let him go completely, though. I thread my fingers through his, beaming at his handsome face. “You said…”

“I know what I said,” he interrupts. “But I told the clients that my partner was opening his first Tribeca gallery exhibition tonight, and as much as I’d love to smoke pussy and talk about cigars with them over steaks, I really needed to be in New York.”

“You didn’t have to.”

He slips an arm behind my waist and forces me to look into his eyes. “Yeah, I did.”

I kiss him again. I know some are staring, whispering, but I don’t care. Let them. They recognize him from the portrait and the gay thing still brings out a little titter, even in New York. He gives me a swat on the seat. “Now go make nice with the deep pockets. When and why the painting of me?”

“You like it?” He shrugs. He loves it. Knew he would. “It keeps me company when we’re apart.”

“In that case, you painted the wrong part of me.”

I laugh and wiggle my fingers at him as I drift away to make nice, watching him gravitate towards my mom.

Later, the four of us have a nice dinner at a quiet café in Tribeca. I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier. The exhibition was a great success, although I won’t know what my haul is until later. And the art stays up for ten more days. My mom is here, my best friend is here, but mostly Brian is here, and I can’t stop smiling as I slip a hand under the table to rest on his hard thigh. He covers my fingers with his.

We all have a wonderful time and then split up into two cabs. They go to the Tribeca Grand where they’re staying, and we go to the flat. We all agree to meet tomorrow for brunch. I lean my head against his shoulder as we ride, our hands locked together between us. “Thank you,” I whisper and he smiles.

“Shut up.”

“I mean it.”

“So do I. Shut up.”

“Brian…”

He leans over to kiss me, shutting me up in the most powerful way he knows. At the apartment, there’s no making it to the bed. There’s no time to strip off clothes. We open, shove and lower what has to be opened, shoved and lowered in order for his cock to find its way to my ass. I lean over the table, gripping it in both hands as he pounds me. We haven’t hiked the air conditioning, so we’re both sweaty and limp when it’s finished. So much for his beautiful clothes.

A shared shower feels good as the apartment cools down with refrigerated air. We do it again, only with less frantic desperation. In bed, in a dark room, naked, we lie there on our backs, my head on his shoulder, my leg crossing his, as he inhales some chronic and says, “I saw my cancer doctor yesterday.”

I tense. Oh god. I can go for months without thinking about the fact Brian had cancer. His fake ball is as real as the other one to me now, I don’t really think about the fact it’s a prosthesis. But when I let myself remember, when I let myself think that he’s not really cured until he’s cancer free for five years, I feel physically ill.

“It’s all good,” he says, and I realize I haven’t breathed as I exhale slowly. “No sign of cancer.”

I kiss him, tasting the drug, tasting him. “Thank God.”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t want to lose the other one. Not much fun to be a eunuch from what I’ve heard.”

But we both know that’s not as scary as some of the other possibilities. Testicular cancer can spread to the spine, the brain, the lungs, any organ. If it metastasizes, it can kill and kill quickly. He found it early, I remind myself. They didn’t even have to do chemo. I reach over and hug him tightly and he gives me an exaggerated moan as he pries my arms away. “What is wrong with you?”

I raise myself to one elbow and look down at him in the darkness, smoothing his hair back from his forehead. “If something happened to you…”

He presses a finger to my lips to stop my thought. “Don’t jinx it. I’m fine.”

We kiss and I relax into his embrace once again. “How long can you stay?”

“I need to go back Sunday night, Justin. I’m meeting with them Monday before they fly home. I’ll get their verdict.”

I’m disappointed that the trip is so short, but I understand. “Maybe I’ll fly back with you. The exhibition is finally behind me. I can take a few days.”

“I’d like that. You haven’t been home in a while.”

“I know. I’ve missed the loft.”

“The loft? You’ve missed the loft?”

I laugh at his emphasis. “You know what I mean.”

“I’m afraid I do. You love me for my digs.”

“I’ve always loved you for your digs.”

“Well, get over it. I’m moving.”

I sit up and stare at him, switching on the lamp so I can see his face. “Homo says what?”

“Homo says he’s moving.”

“Moving. Just like that.”

“Well, no. It will require some planning. Can you turn that off?”

“No. Do you think this is something we should discuss? Is that not my home, too? You can’t just make a unilateral decision to move!”

“Chill, drama baby. I’m just moving one floor. The big loft came open and I’m taking it.”

I relax a little. I love that loft. We’ve always lusted after it. It has two more bedrooms and a bath and a half more than he has now, plus terrace access. Of course, it costs twice as much, too. “Where are Ben and Jerry going?” Their real names are Ren and Jimmy, but they’re two plump queens who look like they should make ice cream, so we renamed them, privately.

“Where all old queens go to wear caftans and chase beach boys. South Beach. They bought a condo overlooking the water.”

We both laugh. “Can you afford it?”

“Yeah, life is good.”

“Do you really want all that room?”

“Well, Gus has to have his own space. That’s part of the agreement.”

Brian sued for visitation three months ago and has put tremendous pressure on the lesbians. He hired a shark. Melanie is no match. “What agreement?”

He grins at me. “We’ve reached settlement. I wanted to tell you face to face.”

“Tell!”

He explains the terms of the agreement that gives him access to his son, in Pittsburgh, on a regular rotating basis. He agrees to hire a nanny to watch over Gus while Brian is working, and he’s taken on other obligations, like college and insurance. None of that matters. He gets to see Gus and I know how much that means to him. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Listen, Sunshine, this isn’t just about me. You’re my partner. It hits your life, too, having a hyperactive kid around some of the time. How do you feel about that?”

“I love Gus. You know that.”

He pulls me down on top of him and kisses me, hard. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too. Always.”

We kiss and slip slowly into round three.
 
 
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
 
 
 
A fanjustinlovesart on May 31st, 2006 10:27 am (UTC)
It is just as it should be. Perfect.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:36 am (UTC)
not perfect, no, but working it.
Audra: Naked Lovergrandixie on May 31st, 2006 10:29 am (UTC)
OMFG! Yay!!! *does retarded seal clap* !!!!!!
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:36 am (UTC)
BWAHAAAAA
sandiD: Love s5sandid on May 31st, 2006 11:03 am (UTC)
Nothing could ever convince me they weren't meant to be together. They had to try it. Had to.

Nice, Ran. Made me happy.


I raise myself to one elbow and look down at him in the darkness, smoothing his hair back from his forehead. “If something happened to you…”

*sigh*

rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:37 am (UTC)
Hugs honey, sorry if it hit too hard. thought about it, but it had to be part of the conversation. hope the rest neutralized.
(no subject) - sandid on May 31st, 2006 11:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 31st, 2006 12:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sweetmadamblue on June 1st, 2006 01:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sandid on June 4th, 2006 07:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sweetmadamblue on June 6th, 2006 04:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
gabe616gabe616 on May 31st, 2006 11:18 am (UTC)
Love this post. Just perfect.
I am glad Brian has pushed for visitation rights. Gus will love to stay with B/J.
And a bigger loft? That's great. More space to have fun in lol.
Gabe
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:37 am (UTC)
thanks gabe
Dreambee3: beautiful together - paddiesdreambee3 on May 31st, 2006 11:31 am (UTC)
"6 months later" was a wonderful surprise, seeing all the good that has gone on in the meantime - Justin's art, their commute between the Pitts and their NewYork flat, Brian's success with access to Gus, buying the larger loft - it was all absolutely perfect. An amazing feel-good chapter, will remain a favourite for sure. Loved "His Eyes", loved Brian's arrival at the art show. Wonderful writing, the dialogue, their voices - just perfect. Justin's happy, Brian's happy, they're together, fitting in with each other's commitments so well. How could it possibly be any better than this?

Thankyu, so much. ♥
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:38 am (UTC)
thanks, I hope it rings possible with y'all, it does for me.
(。・ω・。): qaf 2 <3radiophile on May 31st, 2006 11:34 am (UTC)
"You like it?" He shrugs. He loves it. Knew he would. "It keeps me company when we're apart."

"In that case, you painted the wrong part of me."


HA HA XD That made me laugh out loud XD

I loved this chapter ♥ They've really grown as a couple, and I love how you portray their relationship ^^
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:39 am (UTC)
thanks, and that growth is what I missed most in the final season.
ShammyMacCshammymacc on May 31st, 2006 12:25 pm (UTC)
I’ve never commented Randall, but I simply have to tonight…

I adore this story and simply ADORE your new icon with the Cartier bracelet!!!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this wonderful love story!
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 12:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks and thanks for coming out and commenting. I like your icon a lot, too. Heather did my cartier icons.
(no subject) - qafaddiction on May 31st, 2006 11:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - shammymacc on June 1st, 2006 12:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
Totallyfrelledtotallyfrelled on May 31st, 2006 01:29 pm (UTC)
It's not often I want to cheat and skip down to see what happens, but, today, I was so tempted! I pretty much knew that Brian would show up and it was almost a relief when he did! He even said what I thought he'd say.
The voices throughout were so obvious and natural, all of the things you want from a Brian and Justin conversation, and, sadly, so little of what Cowlip gave us as, through the final season.

Beautifully done, as always!
Thanks!
Totally Frelled.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:27 pm (UTC)
thanks frelled, and dont peek! BWAHAAA
I peek, too, TF - film102 on June 4th, 2006 12:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
asm614: JustinAngel2 :: Please ask before using!asm614 on May 31st, 2006 01:31 pm (UTC)
Wonderful, and yet another step in the right direction :)
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:28 pm (UTC)
thanks they are getting there
fiercediva: Brian Kinney happy smilingfiercediva on May 31st, 2006 02:03 pm (UTC)
Delurking to applaud. This was wonderful. I especialloy liked how you worked Gale's QAF blooper into the dialogue. Not to mention one of my friends' fave sayings, "Homo say WHAT?" That made me smile! :)
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:29 pm (UTC)
thanks, I like blending gale in with brian when it fits and that blooper is a fave of mine. homo say what is a game we play around here, too
Deb: rareouldtimesdamietta on May 31st, 2006 02:11 pm (UTC)
I loved how you brought Gale's hysterical blooper of the smoking pussy and talking cigars into the story. (I still hear Scott saying, "cut very lean"!)

Brian's eyes are truly the best (well, I guess second best) thing about him.

And, of course, Melanie is no match for basically ANY other lawyer! LOL!
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:30 pm (UTC)
I loved how gale cracked up over that blooper
Notincin: It was love to mereader1 on May 31st, 2006 02:18 pm (UTC)
OK, now that's right.
You did it. You took us where we needed to go, and they said it couldn't be done! Why did it seem so effortless for you, and they struggled and struggled and uttterly failed?!

This was just beautiful Randall, and I loved how you had Brian telling Justin about his cancer-free state instead of Ted, as it should have been. We knew you could do our boys' relationship right, and you have. Bravo!

Thanks for the little gift before the big, bad work day. Hugs to you and yours, Sherrie
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:31 pm (UTC)
Re: OK, now that's right.
Yep, had to fix that cancer free thing, it always broke my heart, and I'm glad you like it so far, Sherrie. cant say it was effortless, though. Took a lot of thought to balance both of their needs and still keep the story in character
Bow ties are cool.: Love Storymi_nion on May 31st, 2006 02:39 pm (UTC)
You know I'm crying, right?
Love this fic so much I don't think I have enough adjectives to desrcribe it.
Thanks for writing this, Ran.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:32 pm (UTC)
thanks A. didn't mean to make you cry but glad you're liking it.
connorblondconnorblond on May 31st, 2006 02:50 pm (UTC)
Yeah, my life is pretty bad these days. But this - this is wonderful. Thaks again.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:33 pm (UTC)
sorry connor. Hang tough.
leticiafrostbite_las on May 31st, 2006 04:45 pm (UTC)
Life is good for B&J. Wonderful read. thanks, Leticia
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:33 pm (UTC)
thanks, and isn't that the way we want it?
Carlinamoviebuff83 on May 31st, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
Great chapter, I'm so glad that Brian showed up for Justin's show. I'm also glad that he gets have visitation with Gus. Keep up the great work.

Hugs,
Carlina
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:34 pm (UTC)
thanks, glad you're enjoying it
germansoulmate on May 31st, 2006 07:06 pm (UTC)
Great chapter, Ran.

I knew it could and would work. I can´t understand why Cowlip didn´t even try it.

I love your way of writing Brian and Justin. They are such a great couple...and it encourages me.

Thank you.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:35 pm (UTC)
apparently their vision for them was far different than mine. we all have a story to tell. thanks
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on June 4th, 2006 05:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 4th, 2006 10:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
flamencanyc: Love you - kissflamencanyc on May 31st, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC)
I must admit I was a bit surprised to see that you skipped us over the angst of the remainder of Brian's recovery, apartment hunting, the lawsuit, etc. I'm not sure if I'm glad or not, but ultimately it doesn't matter -- this chapter was great! Sweet, fun, more mature, communicating, working together to deal with life problems, still hot for each other...I knew it was possible. Now if the series had ended here...still open ended but with real progress made...
har2har2 on May 31st, 2006 08:16 pm (UTC)
Yay! This was so good. I knew Brian would show up at Justin's showing. I'm so glad things seem to working out for them. And kudos to Brian for hiring a shark lawyer and fighting for time with Gus. Loved this chapter. It made me a happy camper today after spending 6 hours in an overheated classroom.
Karla
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - flamencanyc on June 1st, 2006 01:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sweetmadamblue on June 1st, 2006 02:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - flamencanyc on June 1st, 2006 02:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sweetmadamblue on June 1st, 2006 02:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on June 1st, 2006 03:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 10:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sweetmadamblue on June 6th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 6th, 2006 09:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
southernlilsouthernlil on May 31st, 2006 08:04 pm (UTC)
When Brian appeared I jumped up and did the Emmett happy clappy thing- and laughed out loud at the "control yourself Picasso" comment. Loved this chapter and the boys happiness.
Debbie was not my favorite person but loved her quote (which was probably a literary one but I can't find the source) "Mourn the losses, because they are many but celebrate the victories because they are few"- We are enjoying the victories at the moment-hoping we won't be mourning any losses for the boys- at least for awhile.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:38 pm (UTC)
that was so not deb, who struck me as the least literary person in pittsburgh, but it is a nice quote.
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on June 4th, 2006 05:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
rjwilcorjwilco on May 31st, 2006 08:34 pm (UTC)
Bravo Ran! This was everything I would've wanted from the series! I still have to wonder what was wrong with those ninkumpoop producers. They were blessed with an irreplaceable cast, die hard fans and a show that could have been fabulous, and they tossed it away. Idiots!
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 10:39 pm (UTC)
I think they stayed true to their own vision, it was just not a vision I could make peace with.
qafaddiction: can't brain have dumbqafaddiction on May 31st, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
Not that I don't enjoy the complications and craziness of P/CP and the Dunraven Society, but I think it's absolutely refreshing to read a BJ story without all the Sturm und Drang. I know things aren't perfect, and frankly I wouldn't want them to be; but it's nice to see you allowing Brian and Justin to find a way to make things work, without sacrificing their goals or their individuality. I think you've achieved a certain amount of soulmate synergy here, where BJ work even better as a team than they do by themselves. The love is clearly as strong as ever, their devotion to each other completely admirable, and the humour that I love so much (Ben & Jerry being just an example). I always believed these two had the potential to stay together. Thanks for making it so.
rand_altrand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)
love that icon and thanks, H. still strum and drang here, but this time moslty internalized
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on June 4th, 2006 05:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 4th, 2006 10:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
TKtclark1922 on June 1st, 2006 12:47 am (UTC)
I'm always very glad when Brian finds a way to support Justin. He'd had a perfectly good excuse for not being there for Justin's opening and Justin understood that, but when Brian made his appearance I smiled probably as wide as Justin would have. His commitment to making this relationship work is very clear and allows no room for doubts. Must be driving Mikey nuts w/ his "you don't have to change" crap he piled on at the end.

Thanks for another great chapter. I have such a better feeling about where Brian & Justin stand as a couple.

Peace
TK
rand_altrand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:41 am (UTC)
thanks, me too.
thumpathumpa on June 1st, 2006 12:50 am (UTC)
*assumes relaxed posture in my rollercoaster seat*

I was a bit surprised by the FFWing, but not displeased with the outcome thus far.

Also, I'm excited for Justin that Brian showed up at the art show.
Good for Brian that he pushed for more custody of Gus.

"Homo says"........that was funny!!

I dig the new icon with the bracelet on Justin's wrist!
Clever!!
Madam: Believesweetmadamblue on June 1st, 2006 02:14 am (UTC)
*assumes relaxed posture in my rollercoaster seat*

Nut Ball! lol

I was a bit surprised by the FFWing, but not displeased with the outcome thus far.

Ditto! *grin*

Good for Brian that he pushed for more custody of Gus.

Yeah, but I would have liked to have read Lindsey's response to Brian finally standing up to them and fighting for rights to his son. I hate that fucking bitch! But you know that already. lol

When I was reading Justin's thoughts about his painting of Brian I got all misty eyed. Aww my Justy loves his Brian. *cheesy grin* But I never doubted it for a minute!

XOXOX
M



(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sweetmadamblue on June 1st, 2006 04:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
mdlawmdlaw on June 1st, 2006 01:05 am (UTC)
Sigh...so good...so sweet...so much fun......I've always loved that line from the outtakes and it was perfect her. I loved the tip to Ren and Hero. And Gus Squeal of delight. m
rand_altrand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:46 am (UTC)
BWAHAAA re ren and hero, crossover! BWAHAAAA
(Anonymous) on June 1st, 2006 01:16 am (UTC)
Looks like things are going very well -- some bumps but no derailments. So nice that Brian showed up. The larger loft is a much better idea for Brian (and Justin) than that house in the country. In my fantasies I always had Brian buying the building and expanding to two floors, plus a rooftop terrace, while renting out the lower floors, but this sounds very nice. I do wish we'd heard a little more of the battle with the lesbians, however. We saw their nastiness to Brian, I'd like to see the much needed smackdown too. Plus Michael. Their behavior was a big part of what made S5 so infuriating for me.
Ann Marie
rand_altrand_alt on June 1st, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
I undderstand but it just wasnt the focus of this particular story. I think I've written that loft conversion myself, somewhere. BWAHAAA