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30 April 2006 @ 01:41 pm
SILENCE AND TEARS, Chapter 6  


“Were you just going to hang up without saying anything?” I ask him. He’s in a car, I can hear the faint drone of traffic behind him. He answers with a low laugh.

“I was considering it.”

“Why?”

“It’s late, it was impulsive…seemed stupid on reflection.”

“You’re in Toronto?”

“Yeah.”

“Late to be visiting Gus. Have you been hitting the club scene? I heard it’s pretty good,” I’m careful to avoid sounding judgmental or jealous. It’s funny, when Brian and I were together, the club scene that was such a siren’s call for him was less troubling to me than it is now. Now I wonder if he’s looking for someone new, even subliminally. Back then, he never wanted more than a sexual encounter. I even shared the scene with him when we were a couple. Now, he prowls alone. I worry, but I have no right to condemn.

“I fell asleep with Gus. I’m on my way to the hotel. Shit, I think I just missed my exit. Pulling over so we can talk without my becoming even more lost.”

“Is it safe where you’re stopping?”

“Quit being my mother, Justin. I hate the one I have.”

I smile. “How’s Gus? How are the girls?”

“I woke you up, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but so what? I’m staying with my mom. Not much to do but sleep.”

“Did you open your present?” He means the one from him, of course.

“Not yet. I’m saving it for the day. I have something for you, too. I’ll leave it here with my mom.”

“Thanks.”

“So…are you avoiding my question?” It’s so wonderful to just be talking to him, hearing his familiar voice, the whisper of his inhalation of cigarette smoke, the whoosh when he exhales. I close my eyes and can almost feel him here with me. Smell him. Taste him. I stop before this call takes an unexpected twist.

“No, Gus is fine, seems bigger to me. He read me a bedtime story.”

I laugh. “Isn’t that wrong way round?”

“He liked doing it and it put me to sleep.”

“If only I’d known that was the trick.”

A chuckle. “It only works when it’s a kid reading to me. I’m sure I would’ve found something erotic in your rendition. And then we’d start working on the distraction.”

I smile at that fact. “So how are the girls?” He takes too long to answer, and then says,

“I think they’re a pair of perfectly matched cunts.”

Whoa. That surprises me! I know Brian has no love for Melanie, but he does for Lindsey and dropping her in that expletive is a shocker. “What happened?”

“Let me ask you something. Did Lindsay talk to you about moving to New York after your review came out?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her I would rather stay in Pittsburgh with you than follow that dragon to New York.” He’s quiet for a moment. I can read what he’s thinking. I did tell her that, but it was before everything started getting weird. “Why do you ask?”

“Because she made sure I saw the review and that she told me how important it was, and then Melanie reminded me of how much you were sacrificing for me.”

I sigh. I see where he’s going with this. “I didn’t move to New York because Lindsay thought I should or because Melanie believed it was where I should live. I know there’s an interpretation that they were manipulating us, trying to cause trouble or force a separation, and maybe it’s true. But it wasn’t my motivation in going.”

“Whether it was or wasn’t, they were playing us. And now Lindsay’s telling me Gus can’t come see me in Pittsburgh because I didn’t keep the big house and because I don’t have a partner.”

“That is just fucked up!” I can’t believe she’s being so punitive and in a way that is sure to hurt Brian most. Not only is she keeping his son away, but she’s underlining for him that his own personal losses are why Gus won’t be allowed to visit.

“Yeah, it is.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“I miss you.”

“Yeah.”

“Is that all you can say?”

“No. I miss you, too.”

There’s a keening silence between us, bony fingers clawing at our hearts. “I left for you,” I manage to say and he answers,

“I know why you left.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you knew the whole marriage thing was just wrong for us, for me, and so was the house and all of that bullshit. You were right about that.”

I exhale, feeling a great weight lift. “It isn’t just you, Brian. I realized that it was wrong for me, too. I thought it was what I wanted, but it isn’t. Not at this stage of my life, anyway. I don’t need to be a poster boy for same sex unions. But I also had another reason for going. A more selfish reason.”

“Because we hit a wall and there was no real path for us to be together?”

“Damn, is that what you think? That we hit a wall?”

“I don’t know. It sure felt like a wall.”

“I had to prove something to myself. And I think you have something to prove to yourself, too.”

“Dying to hear,” a little of the Kinney sarcasm seeps into that remark. I smile.

“I have to prove that I can do this. I can be an artist. On my own, calling my own shots, make or break, all on my own talent. It didn’t have to be in New York. I don’t buy that New York is some mecca for artists. A lot of famous American artists never lived there, even if they showed in the city. Most, in fact. There’s only one Andy Warhol, and I’m not him. I don’t need to go from Pittsburgh to New York and try to create myself as some media maven. That’s not my idea of art. I could have moved to Philly or Chicago or anywhere. But New York seemed logical, and I had a connection for an apartment. I knew that I had to move out of Pittsburgh because as long as I stayed here, it was too easy to let you support me.”

“Is that so bad?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to be your equal.”

He laughs. “I’ll always be older, taller and more heinous than you. You’ll never catch up.”

“Not in those categories, maybe, but to be your partner, I can’t be your protégé, Brian. I can’t be someone you want to turn into the best homosexual I can be. I have to find my own evolution and come to you on equal footing so the balance between us isn’t so one-sided. To do that, I have to prove to myself what I can do with my talent.”

“And what? I’m supposed to wait? For how long?”

“That’s the hard part, I know. I can’t ask or expect that. It scares me, the possibility of losing you while I’m trying to find myself. But if I caved and came to you half-formed, it isn’t fair to either one of us. I need to know who and what I am, and you deserve nothing less in a partner.”

“When did you have this revelation?”

“Before I left.”

“You never expressed it.”

“I sort of did. But it was hard to say anything when every inch of my body was in agony over leaving.”

“You seemed together enough,” he doesn’t mean for it to sound like an indictment, but it is.

“So did you. We were both lying.”

He says nothing. I know. Finally, he says, “So what is my big quest while you’re off evolving into my equal? Which is ridiculous, but I don’t want to start a fight.”

“You’re already on it.”

“Am I? If so, it’s a mystery quest.”

“You’re finding out what those words you said to me on the night of the bombing really mean to you. What they mean to your life. What, if anything, they mean for our future. And it isn’t marriage. And it isn’t a big house in the country and surrogate children. What is it? That’s your quest, Brian. Because no one can figure that out but you. And on the way, you may just learn that getting older doesn’t mean the end of everything you value about yourself.”

“Easy for you to say. I gave you an option for a life with me, and yeah, maybe it was wrong. But why do I have to figure everything out on my own? Shouldn’t two people be doing this together if there’s any purpose in it?”

“I’m working on it too, Brian. This isn’t all about my becoming an artist. It’s about becoming my own man and being my own man includes what I want from my partner.”

“Or whom you want.”

“I know whom I want.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s hard for me to swallow right now.”

“I know.”

“I’m having a hard time, Justin,” he practically whispers and I feel his pain scorch me all the way to Pittsburgh.

“Me too.”

“I’m going to let you go, now. Have a nice Christmas with your family.”

“Brian, give Gus my love.”

“Yeah.”

“And Merry Christmas to you, too.”

“Ho, ho, ho. See you, Sunshine.”

He ends the call and all I can do is stare through the darkness until my vision gets blurred by tears and the phone begins to demand it be hung up by broadcasting an annoying sound. Sometimes doing the right thing feels so fucking wrong.
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
 
armandyouidiotarmandyouidiot on April 30th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC)
I’m so glad Justin explained this to Brian (and me!) This makes way more sense than the situation ever did before. You make it seem so real life. Still hurts a heaping lot.

Kim
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 09:48 pm (UTC)
Yep still hurts, i know
sixpackokittenssixpackokittens on April 30th, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)
Brian's admission, I'm having a hard time, Justin, nearly killed me. great tension in the dialogue!
har2har2 on April 30th, 2006 07:45 pm (UTC)
Aww. They're both afraid the other will find someone else. Brian needs to sue for joint custudy and Justin needs to get his ass back to the Pitts and paint. He can live on his own and support himself yet still be with Brian. They are both too stubborn for their own good. Did we ever find out who Jennifer called that night that Justin arrived?
By the way, I loved that Brian lumped Lindsay and Mel together when speaking disparagingly of them. They deserved it. And whether J admits it or not, I truly feel that Lindsay's words weighed heavily in his decision to go to New York and paint.
(no subject) - rand_alt on April 30th, 2006 09:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on April 30th, 2006 09:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Totallyfrelledtotallyfrelled on April 30th, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad that you showed B & J having a grown-up, mature conversation about this, it was so needed - and you handled it very well. It was great to see the lesbians caught in the act of trying to sabotage things.

Brian feels so very lost. I don't think there's anyone out there, right now, who doesn't want to take him in their arms and hold him, and make it better.
I'm glad that Justin could feel his pain, the way he used to be able to.

A beautiful and very moving chapter.
Thanks! Hope all is a little better, at least for a while, for you guys!
Totally Frelled.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 09:51 pm (UTC)
right now I think they're both hurting. i'm glad you're liking it frelled, and yeah, we're fine. until monday. sigh
Deb: rareouldtimesdamietta on April 30th, 2006 07:43 pm (UTC)
I understood Justin's quest from the beginning, but I never thought about Brian having a quest as well. Finding out what love means to him should be a fantastic journey.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:05 pm (UTC)
its the only thing that makes sense to me
Wren: bj_icecreamchaiselookwren_kt7oz on April 30th, 2006 08:15 pm (UTC)
"...to be your partner, I can’t be your protégé, Brian. I can’t be someone you want to turn into the best homosexual I can be. I have to find my own evolution and come to you on equal footing so the balance between us isn’t so one-sided."

And that is the most succinct statement I've found of why Justin was "right" to go.

I put "right" in inverted commas, because while his reasoning may have been right, it's all to easy to do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

IMO what Justin needed to do was to recognize what Brian (and we) have always known - his own powers and strengths within the relationship. He's looking externally for validation, where he can't possibly find it.

It's like a man I know who wanted to retire early. The plan was to work like a dog till he had enough money (in property and investments) to feel safe, to feel sure that he would have enough to support him. That was thirty years ago, and guess what? Despite a more than healthy bank balance, despite owning two apartment blocks, with all the income they produce, as well as a stock portfolio - he's still working. He will never earn enough to feel safe.

Just like Justin will never be able to achieve enough to feel confident that he's Brian's equal - not if he's looking for external success to give him that validation. And what terrible pressure he's putting himself under.

"To do that, I have to prove to myself what I can do with my talent.”

So, what does that mean? If he doesn't achieve success as an artist they can't ever be together?

Oh Justin! That sounds like one of Brian's more inane ideas, one that lead to cliffs and white scarves hanging from the ceiling. You used to have more sense.

Meanwhile ...

There’s a keening silence between us, bony fingers clawing at our hearts.

Because I think the biggest mistake that Justin is making here isn't about himself, it's about Brian. In trying to find his own power in the relationship, he's underestimating the lesson he's teaching Brian here about how power-less he is. How powerless Brian has always felt in this relationship. From the beginning it's been Brian who has always given way to Justin, no matter how little Justin may recognize that, Brian knows it all too well.

He let Justin move in the first time, because it was best for Justin, rather than leave him in that hate-filled house with Craig. Let him move in again after the Porm because Justin needed him. Let Justin leave him for Ethan, because it was best for Justin. Let him come back. Let him leave for LA, because it was best for Justin. Let him return. Let him leave because Brian apparently wasn't what he wanted any more, and then, actually tried to turn himself into what Justin did want.

Now he's let him leave again. Once more encouraged him to, because he saw it as being best for Justin.

Justin's right in a way - there is no equality here.

But the lesson he's teaching Brian is that there never will be. Not until Justin gets a grip and makes sure that his lover knows that Brian's needs and desires weigh equally with Justin's. They don't right now. They never have. They never have in any relationship that Brian has ever had, and the imbalance that Justin is trying to address is the wrong imbalance.

Sorry ... thinking with my fingertips again, but this post stirred many many thoughts that till now have been floating around half formed.

It was a good one, Ran. Deep and powerful and damned painful.

I hope for healing, still. And find some in this ...

“Because you knew the whole marriage thing was just wrong for us, for me, and so was the house and all of that bullshit. You were right about that.”

I exhale, feeling a great weight lift. “It isn’t just you, Brian. I realized that it was wrong for me, too."


At least they have understood each other clearly on that point, and each understood themselves better.

That has to help at least a little.

Now they just have to figure out the rest.

And, I suspect, part of that is Brian figuring out that it's okay for him to need things from the relationship too, and okay to let his partner know that.
germansoulmate on April 30th, 2006 08:55 pm (UTC)
I really have to think about YOUR way of thinking.

You put up thoughts I never allowed myself to think about.

That´s great.
(no subject) - rand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on April 30th, 2006 10:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on April 30th, 2006 11:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on May 1st, 2006 10:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 3rd, 2006 12:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on May 2nd, 2006 07:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on May 3rd, 2006 09:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
film102film102 on April 30th, 2006 08:16 pm (UTC)
doing the right thing
It's often an indicator.

Lyn
Thymeoasis6028 on April 30th, 2006 08:58 pm (UTC)
Equality?
Lindsay and Melanie being such bitches, at least led to one good thing - B/J talking about this. The whole equality thing is very interesting to me. Brian's right, Justin will never be his equal in many ways. I'm not sure that equality is all that important, except that Justin thinks it is. I can understand why he wants to stand on his own two feet, but the quest for equality is not very realistic.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:09 pm (UTC)
Re: Equality?
again, its all part of a story, guys, you wont get all the resolution in one phone call. you'll have to ride along.
qafaddiction: not my dayqafaddiction on April 30th, 2006 09:36 pm (UTC)
I understand Justin's reasons for needing to be on his own and not rely on Brian, but I'm not sure the same goes for Brian. While he might have to decide for himself what he wants and what being in love with someone else means to him, I'm not so sure he needs to be living in a different city. That said, you've given the best explanation I've read so far about why Justin would have left and how he sees things -- something the writers never did. It gives Lindsay and Melanie too much power to say they manipulated his leaving; I like your take much better, that Justin knew his own mind and, as painful as it was, chose to do what was best for both of them (in his opinion). I was thinking the same thing Brian was when Justin was explaining he had to prove what he could do with his talent... sounds like a long journey. He can't keep Brian waiting forever. :( Maybe there's another way for them to achieve their respective goals without being apart; I hope they can find a way, because they're both miserable and that's no way to live.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:11 pm (UTC)
i think the verabalization of his motive and his concern was only one small step in a process, lots of issues to go.
(no subject) - wren_kt7oz on April 30th, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on April 30th, 2006 11:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
queenydivaqueenydiva on April 30th, 2006 09:46 pm (UTC)
But if I caved and came to you half-formed, it isn’t fair to either one of us. I need to know who and what I am, and you deserve nothing less in a partner.”

Hmm, Justin as Quasimodo. An interesting perspective, and a good take on why he might have felt he needed to leave. I love the honesty of their conversation here. It reflects the raw feeling they both showed in 510, after the bombing. So, the feelings are still there, it's just a matter of learning how to live together and becoming who they need to be to make that happen. Very interesting, and entirely plausible but then, I'd hardly expect anything else from you, Ran. Great post.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:12 pm (UTC)
bwahaaa re quasimodo!!! Please no icons!!! BWAHAA thanks, and its going to be interesting I hope. I have some ideas. Duh.
A fanjustinlovesart on April 30th, 2006 09:55 pm (UTC)
Your Justin's reasons for leaving make perfect sense to me (of course, they were never explained in those terms by C/L). Interestingly, Justin is not saying that he wants to become a famous artist before he comes home, but that he needs to see what he can do with his talent. I think that is undertsandable and very mature. I also believe that the L.A. experience must weigh still quite heavily on him and he needs to exorcise that "failure" on his own.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:13 pm (UTC)
We have to remember justin is still pretty green
bksbracelet: your sancturybksbracelet on April 30th, 2006 10:13 pm (UTC)
Randall this was a wonderful post so painful. "I had to prove something to myself. And I think you have something to prove to yourself, too"
Justin talks about being Brian's equal and needing to find himself but it seems to me Justin is pushing Brian off a cliff. Brian is struggling on all fronts at the moment and although Justin knows this he still wants Brian to work out their relationship on his own. Justin always has had the power in their relationship he just did not know how to wield it properly. Brian and Justin were always so powerful together against the world in their non-defined relationship than when they were apart. I hope they see this really soon. Such a powerful chapter Randall. You're writing keeps feeding my obsession with these two thanks cheers Chris
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:27 pm (UTC)
thanks chris, funny how those on the outside of a relationship can sometimes see it more clearly! BWAA! Or think they do,.
Vivvivrbn on April 30th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
It didn’t have to be in New York. I don’t buy that New York is some mecca for artists.
... I knew that I had to move out of Pittsburgh because as long as I stayed here, it was too easy to let you support me.”
... I have to find my own evolution and come to you on equal footing so the balance between us isn’t so one-sided.

- I like how you give a logical/realistic explanation for why Justin did go to New York. Sure as hell would have made things less groan-worthy & painful if Cowlip had bothered to insert a believable explanation for that ridiculous action.

He laughs. “I’ll always be older, taller and more heinous than you. You’ll never catch up.”
- lol...Said in true Brian Kinney fashion.

He ends the call and all I can do is stare through the darkness until my vision gets blurred by tears and the phone begins to demand it be hung up by broadcasting an annoying sound.
- Ouch!

Sometimes doing the right thing feels so fucking wrong.
- Ain't that the truth :-(

Justin's in a tough spot, desperately needing to prove himself and terrified that he'll lose Brian in the process. And Brian has always known that Justin needs to work though his issues and find his resolution for himself, but now that he's finally acknowledged how he feels and what he wants from and with Justin, this situation isn't making it any easier for Brian.
rand_altrand_alt on April 30th, 2006 10:28 pm (UTC)
nope, no easy tie up
Dreambee3: beautiful together - paddiesdreambee3 on May 1st, 2006 12:48 am (UTC)
Oh god, the feeling you create of them being so “together” in heart. The sound of their voices, the bond they have - it’s beautiful.

The greatest impact of this chapter for me was how brave and honest Justin was. He could have used Brian’s devastation at Linsday and Mel to his advantage, but he didn’t. Instead, so spontaneously and with so much clarity, he told it as it was for him - building on truth, not excuses. And from that came the wonderful openness about the reasons for him leaving.

“It didn’t have to be in New York…” - finally, hearing Justin say that it could have been Timbuktoo – thankyou Ran.

“Because I want to be your equal.” – I’ve always accepted this on the surface, but also felt it wasn’t a good enough reason or even a realistic one for Justin. I’ve never been completely sold on the simplicity of that wish, because it brings into the equation that when there are so many differences in a relationship at the start, will those gaps ever truly close up. I like how Brian put it humorously in “age, height and wickness”, but I saw it as a great metaphor for something much deeper – is it really necessary to be the same or equal, or would it be better to be the best you can be. Which is why Justin’s later statement pleased me enormously, because it is the perfect reason: “I need to know who and what I am, and you deserve nothing less in a partner.” It doesn’t matter if the “who and what” turns out to be equal or less or more – he would have made the journey, and the journeying through the path that needs to be travelled is the important part.

I initially smiled at the quest Justin gave Brian, not realising the potential depth of that quest, but then it hit me when I realised the rewards this could hold for Brian. Sadly however, as Brian and Justin rightly felt at the end of this incredible conversation, there is continuing pain that travels with them on this quest: “I’m having a hard time, Justin,” and “Sometimes doing the right thing feels so fucking wrong.”

Can’t sign off without a swipe at Linsday: "Not only is she keeping his son away, but she’s underlining for him that his own personal losses are why Gus won’t be allowed to visit." Why the cruelty, why does she want to take everything he holds dear away from him. I always realised her jealousy, but I never until this point realised it was so deep-seated and carried with it such anger.

Thank you Ran - and congratulations on the many hits to the site, I join in the chorus singing that it is you who is the amazing one, correction: The.Amazing.One.



film102film102 on May 1st, 2006 01:06 am (UTC)
Question
Sent you an email that was returned to me today. Because of an experience I had last year, I am concerned that I might have done something to offend.

Am thinking you are busy and will hear from you when you have time.

When I saw your name, I thought, Oh, here it is. Couldn't wait to read your comments. They don't fail to satisfy.

Lyn
(no subject) - dreambee3 on May 1st, 2006 01:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Question - film102 on May 1st, 2006 01:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 1st, 2006 03:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
film102film102 on May 1st, 2006 12:55 am (UTC)
A most perfect icon
It seems to me that Brian let Justin go because he felt Justin needed to go, for whatever reason. No pushing off a cliff. He really, on some level, felt there was no place for them to go, given their present wants and needs in a relationship. I didn't get the pushing aspect I'd felt before. I felt the deep love they had for one another and was so relieved. They did what they always did, didn't talk.

Am also relieved to hear their conversation regarding their own feelings and needs, especially to hear them share how hard it is for each of them.

Sometimes, it seems it takes some getting away to get a clearer perspective and the person who has much to learn is ourself. We are caught unawares by the power of it and the healing it can bring.

One of the things I always enjoyed about Justin is that he is so bright and so mature and adult, and other times, only 17, or 18, or 20. Working with gifted kids is like that, too. One day they are immensely mature, and then, I see they are also teenagers. Randy did that very well, I thought.

I have longed for the two of them to begin, or continue the conversation and revelation of their last night together. I see it here. Am anticipating more real life coming our way.

One of the things I've always based my critiques of literary or art work on is realism. I've not found it lacking in your or Brian's work.

As I continued to read comments from chapter 5 and this one, i realized that the time, as for all art, is the time when it is in the process and completed. I had this epiphany that this writing may just help us all heal a great number of things. Learn things we never expected to learn, have insights never thought of. Gosh, I'm back to the creative process.

Like actually talking and writing about the Vietnam war took twenty years, it has taken some time, at least three from what I can tell, to begin the process of healing the sorrow of lost dreams we had for our "boys", letting go of illusions, and seeing and accepting what is. That, in a nutshell, is most of my understanding of what it means to love. There's a spiritual component that comes into this even though it may never be mentioned.

When either of you write, Ran, I feel and experience somehow what you have with each other. The context. To have a dream that a loving relationship between two gay men would finally be on a tv screen, must have been magic indeed.

To have one of your own, the realism that goes with the magic. The complexities of love of all kinds.

I respect and admire your and Brian's willlingness to give us your gifts and take us on the ride with you.

Love,
Lyn


rand_altrand_alt on May 1st, 2006 03:33 am (UTC)
Re: A most perfect icon
thank you for a very sweet and lovely thought, Lyn. It was amazing for me to watch B and J unfold, so riveting, but I guess the real magic was finding my own partner. Maybe that magic makes me want to make things right for the other couple!!
jealin98jealin98 on May 1st, 2006 01:51 am (UTC)
I know there has only been 6 chapters but oh my this one was so fantastic!!!

I am so glad that they talked and the things that were said were so long in coming. The fact that Brian even admitted that he was having a hard time is huge in my eyes.

I am so loving this story Randall, and it is just getting better and better.
rand_altrand_alt on May 1st, 2006 03:34 am (UTC)
thanks, and I'm glad you think so. But I think brian has been open and is still open, and bleeding, so this is more of the same. Still in the really painful phase here!! BWAHAA