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22 May 2006 @ 05:17 am
SILENCE AND TEARS, Chapter 16, Justin's POV  

His cock is in my hand and it’s hard to the touch. His face is flushed, the way it always looks when his heat is up. I want him so much I can feel it in my core as well as everywhere else in my body. And then the knock intrudes. I see the frustration in his eyes as he sighs, audibly. I unstraddle him and walk away. His gaze follows me and then he laughs as I veer from the door and go into the bedroom, returning with lube and condoms.

“Fuck them,” I say as I strip off my clothes and then his. “Or maybe I should say fuck me. To hell with them.”

I’ve wanted to fuck him for so long. If they think they can stop this locomotive, they’re wrong. I don’t care if they stand right here in the room. I’m going through with this.

And we do.

Somewhere in the middle of it, the banging on the door stops as the banging on the chaise gets hotter. Or either I just blocked the noise. Sex, done right, is always good, but sex with Brian is like no other for me. He fits my body, he knows what I need, and he gives it to me. Even hurt, limited in movement, it works for us. I close my eyes as I ride him, careful to keep my weight back, off of his torso, opening my eyes when his breathing and motion tell me he’s about to shoot. I love to watch his handsome face when he comes. The grimace of his features, as if in exquisite pain, the high color in his complexion, the way his relief starts with a gasp and ends with a smile.

Watching him makes me come, and only then do I really think about the fact I just spunked his bandages. Normally I would fold over him now, pressing his body to mine, but not today. Not with those ribs. I reluctantly dismount and come back with a wet cloth to dab the traces from his mummy wrap. He laughs. “Hope they don’t run a blue light over me.”

“Expecting the CSI crew?”

“Well, someone was hammering my door.”

“You should be so lucky that it was the CSI crew,” I toss him an afghan to cover up. “I’m going to take a shower and then go out and get some take away and also refresh your supply of Advil and mummy wrap.”

“Can you walk?”

I shrug. “It’s a block. I’ll manage. You stay put. I’ll help you shower when I get back.”



“It was…” he hesitates and I smile.

“I know. It was.”

When I’m dressed and headed for the door, I pause to kiss him goodbye, but he’s asleep. I kiss his forehead and leave him there. My ankle is sore, yeah, I’m not running any marathons, but I can manage this pain. I still take the elevator, and take my time walking to the drug store to be followed by the Chinese place we like. Being back in the ‘hood feels as strange as it feels good. I miss the familiarity, the sense of belonging to this community. Plenty of fags in East Village, but not this sense of community. I’ve met artists, and we have a lot to talk about, but in a way I get sick of them. If I’m not painting, I don’t want to sit around and talk about painting. And the act of creation isn’t really verbal, anyway.

As I fill a small red plastic basket with Advil and bandages and hot and cold packs and cigarettes and condoms and other necessities of life, I hear my name being called in a distinctive whine. Michael. “I heard you were in town,” he says as he walks over to me and curiously eyes my shopping choices: Brian’s brand of cigarettes, Brian’s brand of condoms. “I called your mom’s house and she said you went skiing.”


“With Brian?”

“As it turned out, yeah.”

That look I know so well. Half suspicion, half envy, all pathetic. “Interesting. I thought you two had sort of put it on ice.”

“You never know with us,” I throw in a couple power bars, a couple Hershey bars, you decide who gets which.

“We were just over at Brian’s place, my mom and me, but he didn’t answer the door.”

“I know. We were in the middle of it. Bad timing. Next time you may want to call first.” As if that concept would ever enter his dictionary of rude behavior.

“Are you limping?” He chooses to ignore the sexual confession, as always preferring to believe Brian and I have never touched each other intimately. It’s easier for his fantasies that way.

“I sprained my ankle snowboarding. It’s no big deal.”

“And naturally Brian can’t be bothered to go out and let you rest.” This is another thing he does. He never misses a chance to dis Brian behind his back. I don’t consider this appropriate BFF behavior.

“Brian also had some bad luck on the slopes, worse, in fact. Broke several ribs, wrenched his knee and shoulder, and had a concussion. He couldn’t go out shopping if his life depended on it.”

Now he gets that winsome, puppy dog eyes look that says “I’m so worried about my poor widdle Bwian.” I just roll my eyes and put the basket on the counter. I picked up Brian’s wallet on the way out since I have virtually no cash. I get carded on the cigarettes. I try to show him Brian’s ID. “Six-two?” He asks and I sigh and produce my own. He obviously thinks it’s fake, but sells them to me anyway. Damned baby face. He bags the items and Michael walks out with me.

“Has he seen a doctor?”

“Duh, Michael. Yes.”


“He’ll be fine, but he’s laid up for now.”

“Who will care for him when you go back to New York?” His unfinished question leaves out the “soon I hope”. Will he ever be over his unrequited passion for Brian? Yeah, when the world stops spinning. He follows me to the Chinese restaurant.

“I’m not going back until he’s on his feet, and after that who knows?”

“What do you mean ‘who knows’? Are you considering coming back? Listen Justin, don’t let him guilt you into leaving New York. He’s been just fine since you left and…”

“Stop,” I tell him. “Just stop. What we decide to do about our living arrangement is between Brian and me. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it. Otherwise don’t presume to tell me about Brian Kinney and what he wants and needs. I think I’m in a better position to measure that than you will ever be.”

I’m as shocked as he is by what I just said. Did that come out of my mouth? I remember, in Banff, when Brian said we can’t let those on the outside alter our relationship by poisoning us with their opinions. I think he’s right and I think we were both foolish to do so before. We have enough issues without allowing third parties into the mix.

“I think I’ve known Brian a little longer than you, Justin,” he plays the BFF card. I shake my head.

“In an entirely different way and longer doesn’t mean better.”

I order our usual preferences while Michael steams. “So, how are Ben and Hunter?” I ask with a bright little smile as if I didn’t just eviscerate him. He glares.


“What did you guys do for Christmas?”

“We went to my mom’s. You can’t just keep bouncing in and out of his life, Justin. It isn’t fair.”

“What do you not understand about my not discussing my relationship with Brian with you?”

“Someone has to talk sense to you two.”

I laugh at that. “You mean you?”

“Is that funny?”

“Well, yeah.” The food comes out quickly and I hand Michael a bag as I start back to the loft. It’s inevitable that he’s going with me, I know that. His Brian stalks won’t end until he spies the beast. I should have asked him if he wanted me to order something for him. Whoops.

We’re silent in the elevator, and when we enter the loft, he starts to talk, but I hold a finger up to my lips and nod towards sleeping Brian. He hasn’t moved since I left. I quietly unpack the food, filling a tray with white cardboard boxes and fetch Brian’s favorite ebony chopsticks with the silver tips. I put a couple bottles of Evian on the tray and carry it over to the chaise. Michael follows.

I set the tray on the floor and lean over to kiss his sleeping lips. Sleeping Beauty, for sure. He really is. He stirs and smiles up at me. “Hello, Sunshine. Your face is cold,” his fingers spread out on my cheek.

“It’s chilly out there. Hungry?”

“Yeah, smells good. Kung Pao chicken?”

“Of course. And spring rolls and fried rice.”

I balance the tray on his lap and kneel beside the chaise so I can get to the cartons, after shedding my cold weather gear. Only then does he notice Michael. “Haven’t I told you about letting things follow you home?” He quips and we both laugh but Michael is into puppy dog eye mode.

“Are you okay, Brian? You look like shit!” A glance at me, as if I had beaten Brian with a broomstick. He shrugs.

“I’ve been better, been worse. You want some?” He’s a better host than I am. Michael shakes his head.

“Mom and I came by earlier but Justin said you were…busy,” another baleful look at me that I ignore. “We had your Christmas gifts. She took them with her.”

He nods. I know Brian. He would’ve already had their gifts delivered so they could have them on the day. “Something to look forward to.”

“I was going to use my key but Mom said you might not be alone and she didn’t want to walk in on something.”

“I always knew Debbie had a brain under that fright wig.”

“Brian, do you really think this is a good idea? You and Justin, I mean? You were just starting to…”

After exchanging a look with me, Brian points his sticks at Michael and says, “Don’t go there.”


“Seriously. Don’t. If I need your opinion, I’ll ask for it.”

“Fine. Except I’m always the one who has to pick up the pieces he leaves behind.”

Ouch. That hurts. Brian’s expression darkens. “Eagerly.”


“You eagerly pick up those pieces, Michael. It makes you feel important to me. It keeps me where you want me to be. Alone.”

“How did this become about me?”

“It isn’t about you. That’s my point. Don’t you have a hubby in the ‘burbs somewhere?”

“Fine, I’ll go. But when he’s back in New York and you’re feeling blue again, don’t bother calling me.”

He makes a dramatic exit and I stare at Brian. “He really dislikes me, doesn’t he?”

“He dislikes my loving you.”

“Better that you’re lonely?”

“Yeah, better.”

We both wince. Some friend. “I guess the crazy aunt is out of the attic, Brian.”


“New York. We can’t keep dancing around it.”

“Mixed metaphor.”


His eyes meet mine. “What are you about to tell me?”

I stare into his beautiful, expectant, guarded face and I have not one clue about what I’m going to say next.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
asm614: JustinAngel1 :: Please ask before using!asm614 on May 22nd, 2006 09:34 am (UTC)
*blares Carly Simon*

ANTICIPATION .... is keeping me waaaaiiitinggg... ;-)

Okay, enough of that (and clearly I should be in bed, not up checking my F-list at 2:30AM)... That being said...

First off, I wanted to comment on the sex, lol. But seriously... B/J sex is often hot, and all that stuff... but this was beautiful too. I could feel the emotion attached to their love making, and I love that they know each other so well, can read each other's bodies inside and out. And I'm glad they ignored the door, especially knowing who it was.

Michael will be Michael. I guess I'm not sure how I felt about him at the end of the series, and his reaction to Brian and Justin. I want to believe that he matured somewhat, but I don't know if that's truly possible for him. At any rate, I don't doubt for a second that in this situation, he'd successfully make that situation about himself, as he did. And I'm glad that B/J declined his "assistance" on both counts.

I wish them luck taming the crazy aunt. And sorry for the rambling. I think it's bedtime...
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:40 am (UTC)
ramble away, I built my site on that! BWAHAAA! I saw no abatement in michael's evil behavior towards brian in season five. truly depressing aspect of the show.
Wrenwren_kt7oz on May 22nd, 2006 09:35 am (UTC)
I stare into his beautiful, expectant, guarded face and I have not one clue about what I’m going to say next.


So much that I loved about this that there's no point in my picking any other quotes - I'd just have to put the whole thing in here. We so sing from the same hymn sheet where Mikey is concerned. And it was great to hear both Justin and Brian call him on some of his shit.

Oh, and I'm so glad they didn't answer the door.

(And that Justin got to tell Mikey why *g*)

Very nice, Ran. Very nice indeed.
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:41 am (UTC)
thanks wren and its such a sour song to sing, isnt it????
(。・ω・。)radiophile on May 22nd, 2006 09:38 am (UTC)
Ugh. Michael. I loved him at the start of the series, but towards the end I wanted to just... strangle him. It bothers me because the character Michael is based on in the UK series is wonderful ;_; *sigh* I just keep telling myself that I can't compare the two ^^;

I'm glad that Brian and Justin are finally taking a stand for their relationship. It's their business, their love. ♥
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:43 am (UTC)
i didnt love him, but I actually liked him at first and felt sorry for his unrequited love for brian. but as the show progressed two things did me in. one was hal's terrible acting, his mugging, his annoying whine, his lack of depth. The other was how evil michael was, how he really didnt put his friend first even once. And yes, total opposite of UK version where we loved that character. (But hated the end of that series TOO!)
(no subject) - radiophile on May 23rd, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 02:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - radiophile on May 24th, 2006 02:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
beth23beth23 on May 22nd, 2006 09:40 am (UTC)
I am running out the door but had to stop and say how much I love this post and this story. Your attention to detail is amazing. You have me hating Mickey even more than I already did. He is the poster boy for the lasting sequelae of repetitive close head injuries (Deb hit him one too many times).

Thank you for updating so quickly and sorry that I have lagged behind on my comments but RL is still getting in the way.
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:45 am (UTC)
BWAHAAAAAAAAAA GOOD ONE BETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dreambee3: beautiful together - paddiesdreambee3 on May 22nd, 2006 10:58 am (UTC)
Damn Mikey. If this was the Sopranos he would have been eliminated by now.

Loved the "we will not be interrupted" scene, and the fun with the CSI crew. Great feeling between the two of them, then Brian falling asleep, Justin going about his errands taking care of Brian's needs, and then in comes Mikey. I feel physically ill when that guy opens his mouth - surely Brian would feel the same. I couldn't believe Mikey's discussion with Justin, and then later with Brian. What part of Justin and Brian's request/demand concerning interfering with their relationship does he not understand? Mikey's aim is to sabotage, he can no longer hide it now, it's out in the open loud and clear.

I know, Brian and Mikey have history - but it's past history which would have died long ago in the hands of someone other than the loyal Brian. I know, Brian's grateful for the past - but Brian has paid his dues a million fold, and he has given Mikey heaps of opportunities to grow into the loyal friend a person should expect to have. Mikey will never change. I couldn't live with a "friend" like that in my life, I just couldn't.

Another thing that struck me, Justin noticed that Mikey and Deb didn't deliver Brian's Christmas presents until well after Christmas - Brian on the other hand had his delivered for them to open on the day - speaks volumes regarding respect doesn't it.

I always get so frustrated and angry and sad at Brian's treatment in the hands of his friends, don't we all - I want so much for Brian and Justin to be free of them, especially Mikey (say I at this chapter, and yet just one or two chapters ago, I had the same feelings towards Lindsay and Mel).

Thankyu, this was a bit of a cliffhanger! although it really didn't have the intended impact because I was, and am, still stewing over Mikey. ♥
film102film102 on May 22nd, 2006 04:08 pm (UTC)
I can just see you

What a great image. It's really interesting how Justin doesn't know what he's going to say, again. Always the guarded face, I wonder whether Brian will ever reach a point where he isn't, on some level, protecting himself from Justin.

Re: I can just see you - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
Bow ties are cool.: Condommi_nion on May 22nd, 2006 11:28 am (UTC)
There's the Justin I love. And good for both of them not being swayed by what Michael says & does. Also very proud of Justin for saying he's staying until Brian is back on his feet. Here's hoping they can hash out a suitable solution to the NYC issue.
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:48 am (UTC)
yeah, i love feisty justin too
(Anonymous) on May 22nd, 2006 12:04 pm (UTC)
"You should be so lucky that it was the CSI crew". Yeah, at least they're hot. Unlike Michael. More of his well-aged whine. So glad to hear both Justin and Brian tell him to butt out. But now that he knows that Brian's hurt, Deb et al. will be all over the loft. They will have to continue to be firm. (No, not that way! Okay, that way too.) I'm glad that Justin is planning to stay with Brian at least until he's back on his feet, but how will that affect his job in NY, which he says he needs? They need to make some decisions, and soon.
Ann Marie
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:49 am (UTC)
BWAHAAA! True, they are hot. I think they are making decisions, even without voicing them
sandiDsandid on May 22nd, 2006 12:26 pm (UTC)
“Fine, I’ll go."

Ah, maybe now we'll get to the falling down the stairs part. heeeeheeeeeheeeee

Finally, finally, finally. They both didn't let what Michael said have any influence on them. Truthfully, I never really understood that friendship. Michael was always too fanatical about his relationship with Brian. He always wanted him. But, didn't want him to be happy.

It's been said enough. Justin is young. Yes, he is. However, he's managed to do quite a bit of growing up. He's no longer a child. Brian has been growing up to. He's not as afraid to admit a feeling. It was a must for them to open up to each other at the lodge. Now, I'm hoping that log keeps rolling.

It would be so nice to think of them together, happy, and sheltering each other from all the storms of life. Well, most of them anyway.

Yeah, I'm a love sap.....SO.....*wink*

Thank you, Randall
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:50 am (UTC)
BWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA RE THE STAIRS!!! hey I'm a love sap too and proud of it
gabe616gabe616 on May 22nd, 2006 01:02 pm (UTC)
Hot hot hot. And they do have their priorities right don't they?
Michael really had it coming. But even if it's spelled out for him he doesn't understand does he? Lack of brain what can you do, lol??
Yeah, time for some serious thoughts now. Time to find out what they really want to do.
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:51 am (UTC)
yep, finally their priorities make sense. BWAHAA! time is approaching
Totallyfrelledtotallyfrelled on May 22nd, 2006 01:22 pm (UTC)
YAY They didn't answer the door!!!! Falls over cat, while dancing around the room with glee!!

Every time I read a word that you write, I wish, deep in my heart, that I were able to watch your work on tv, or pick up your latest novel! You are SO very good at this, you know?!

You anticipate everything that is likely to be needed in each scene that you create for us, down to the very smallest little detail.
I find myself laughing at the great one-liners that are always liberally spread throughout your chapters and then feeling a little melancholy, as I 'watch' facial expressions change and tender moments, then swearing at the computer screen, or indeed, more specifically, at Mikey, to pleaeeeeese contemplate buying a clue! (a brain would be good, but we can only hope so far!)

Every line is always a treat!
Today was really good! Thanks!
Totally Frelled.
film102film102 on May 22nd, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC)
You and me both

Every time I read a word that you write, I wish, deep in my heart, that I were able to watch your work on tv, or pick up your latest novel! You are SO very good at this, you know?!

You and me, both.

(no subject) - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
TKtclark1922 on May 22nd, 2006 01:45 pm (UTC)
Excellent chapter Randall! I'm glad that both Brian & Justin followed through w/ their decision not to allow outsiders to have any impact on their relationship, especially when said outsider is Mikey (who once again pulled the best friend card--isn't he too old for that?). I think they were pretty clear, whether Mikey heard what they said is another matter. He seems to continue to hear what he wants to hear; one of his most aggravating characteristics, especially when he makes judgements & proclamations about how horrible Brian or Justin is based his perceptions.

I'm with the others in my hope that Brian & Justin will be able to work out another alternative to them being separated after Brian recuperates from his injuries.

Create Your Reality: head meet deskcourt1429 on May 23rd, 2006 12:26 am (UTC)
(who once again pulled the best friend card--isn't he too old for that?).

omg, I know!!! I mean, think about it. A 35-year-old man trotting out, "But he's my BEST friend," at every available opportunity. Talk about pathetic.
(no subject) - tclark1922 on May 23rd, 2006 12:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
qafhappy: Orgasmic Brianqafhappy on May 22nd, 2006 02:39 pm (UTC)
And so the big talk begins... almost!

Randall - I love the way you write Justin & Brian, and especially their interactions with widdle Mikey. It's so nice to see someone who finally 'gets' it, and sees through the BFF schtick he pulls.

Oh, and your sex scenes? Divine! But you knew that!

Thanks for another great chapter!
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
Glad you likey. it was fun to write.
connorblondconnorblond on May 22nd, 2006 02:51 pm (UTC)
talk about a cliffhanger ...

That look I know so well. Half suspicion, half envy, all pathetic.

So true.

rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
Isnt it? Thats mikey. all pathetic
(no subject) - connorblond on May 23rd, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 02:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - connorblond on May 23rd, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Audra: Beautifulrgrandixie on May 22nd, 2006 03:12 pm (UTC)
Good for Justin for not letting them interupt the moment and for not taking any of Mikey's crap. Yet anohter characther that Cowlip wasted. Mikey and Brian could have had a really special relationship and instead they made him a whiny, envious, enabler. I'll never get what Ben saw in him. And Wow, Debbie actually was kinda thoughtful there! Another great chapter Ran.
rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:55 am (UTC)
they could have handled it with such finesse, the unrequited love ripening into a mature friendship but NOOOOOOO
film102film102 on May 22nd, 2006 04:18 pm (UTC)
Is there any way?
Grandixie had such a good thought. I wonder if there is a way to bring Michael around to being someone who could add to Brian's life instead of detract and add conflict. Then, Linds and Mel would be on their own and oh the fireworks, then. Wonder where they'd run to next?

rand_altrand_alt on May 23rd, 2006 10:56 am (UTC)
Re: Is there any way?
no, too late for me, he's done too much damage in canon to be saved