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30 May 2006 @ 03:53 am
SILENCE AND TEARS, Chapter 19, Brian's POV  

Thank God for Cynthia.

Not that I would ever tell her that. But I think it at least once a week, often more. Tonight, she offered to drive me home in her comfortable, if boring, Lexus SUV, and Justin would follow in the Vette. It must be a mark of how very uncomfortable I am that I agreed to this plan. The idea of dropping into that sports car and then trying to drag my ass out of it held no appeal.

"I must be paying you too much," I opine as I look around the luxurious leather interior of her car. She laughs.

"You don't pay me a fraction of what I'm worth to you."

She's right about that. I close my eyes. The pain sort of rolls through me like waves hitting a beach. Intense, then retreat, intense, then retreat. I know this is probably the peak period of pain, when the ripped muscles and knitting bones are complaining the loudest, but I wish it would pass. I lean my head against the headrest and close my eyes.

"God, Brian, you really are in pain. Should you see a doctor?"

"Been there, done that. Sick of doctors. Nothing to be done but ride it out."

"Did he give you good stuff for the pain?"

"Nothing, the sadist. But I guess I'd rather keep my mind clear right now, anyway, and that shit tends to make me loopy."

"How's it going with Justin? You two seemed really good together tonight."

I open my eyes to glare at her pretty profile. "Nothing's settled. And don't meddle in my life again, in case I didn't make that point earlier."

"You made it, Brian. I can still feel the spear in my gut. Believe me. God, I'm so glad you're queer."

Okay, that one surprises me. "What do you mean?"

"If you were straight, I wouldn't have let up until you dated me and that would've been such a disaster. Titantic, iceberg, the whole sinking to the bottom of the ocean thing."

I chuckle, and it hurts to do so. "Thanks. A guy always likes to hear a woman say that dating him would be an epic disaster."

"It's true. I would've fallen in love with you, you wouldn't have fallen in love with me, you'd break my heart, I'd have to get another job and then I'd compare every man I dated after you unfavorably."

"How do you know I wouldn't have fallen in love with you?"

"Because I know you. You think being straight would make you any less promiscuous? No, you'd just be playing in a different arena. Women would be hitting on you the same way men do now."

"Women do hit on me."

"See? You're gay and they hit on you. Imagine if you were straight. I don't have Justin's persistence and determination. I could never wait you out. My ego wouldn't allow it."

"Is there a point to this fantasy disaster?"

She stops at a traffic light and peers in my direction. "The point is, you found a perfect partner for you, Brian. He adores you. You adore him. Quit being stupid about it."

"The light turned green. Generally means go in these parts."

"You know I'm right," she says as she gives it the gas.

"I know you're meddling again."

"You tried everything you could think of to get rid of him, to push him away, from brutal promiscuity to martyrdom. Total extremes. You still love him. He still loves you. Figure it out."

"Seriously, Cynthia, shut the fuck up. It's none of your fucking business."

"It's my business becasue I care about you, Brian. You've moved from the impossible dream to a friend. I've seen your pain. It all seems so pointless to me."

I stare out the window at my town. Pointless. The pain or the relationship? "We both want to be together, but making it happen and making it work is so difficult."

"If it's worth it, you'll figure it out together. I'd kill to love someone so much and to be so loved by someone. It's rare, Brian. Don't waste it."

I think back to my dream of Vic. Dancing at that nightmare version of Babylon where all the boys are over fifty. That dream haunts me more than I can say to anyone. I don't want to be one of those pathetic old queens, still gyrating under the mirrored ball long after the strike of midnight. Getting older sucks. But I don't want to be old and ridiculous. Nor do I want to be old and alone. Nor do I want to be alone now. Her hand on my arm makes me flinch. "What?"

"We're here. Do you need help?"

I look at my building on Tremont Street as if I've never seen it before. I'm sure he's already there. If that Vette can't beat this Lexus, then what is the point? I look up at my windows. The lights are on and someone is at home. How nice that is. How comforting. "I can do it," I tell her and my hand hovers over the door handle but then I turn towards her. I slip a hand on the back of her neck. It feels so delicate to me, unlike a man's neck that's all muscle and tendon. Her soft blonde hair falls over my fingers. I lean in and kiss her on the mouth. Her lips are soft, her mouth is small, and when I slip her the tongue, her tongue feels tentative and receptive but passive. There is not the same urgency when kissing a girl, the same "let's just get it done" intensity I feel with men. Kissing women is more of a courtship, a dance, a preliminary to the main event that may or may not happen. I remember all those confusing emotions as we kiss. It feels nice. If I were straight, I would've dated Cynthia, and it would've been a disaster. She's right. She's right about the rest, too.

I feel her fingers on the back of my head and then I break off the kiss and lean back to grin at her. "Never write me off as some safe old faggot," I warn her. "I'm Brian fucking Kinney. I'm always on my game."

She shakes her head, still a little dazed by my move, and I force myself to make a less than pathetic exit from the car despite the pain, not wanting to contrast my pronouncement with the reality of who I am right now. I wave and walk/limp into the building. He's waiting at the elevator, downstairs, arms crossed at his chest. "You always kiss the help goodnight like that, boss?"

I lean a heavy arm across his shoulders and let him walk me into the waiting elevator. "She dismissed me as a harmless faggot, and I don't like to be dismissed."

"You are a harmless faggot. Harmless to her, anyway."

I glare at him. I hate it when he sees through me. "She doesn't have to know that."

"She does know that."

This fucking elevator is so slow. It's like torture. I really want to lie down now. We walk into the loft and he locks the door and trails me to the bedroom. I let him help me undress. I'm too tired to argue. This little outing was so exhausting, which is just sad. I'm sick of feeling incapacitated. The cancer, the collarbone, now this. I'm in a bad mood, all of a sudden. He helps me under the sheets and then climbs in with me. I feel his body curve gently against my back. It feels good, warm, soothing.

"What's wrong?" He persists.

I don't want him to go back. "Nothing. Tired." I don't like it that Cynthia read me so well.

"Come back with me," he whispers. "Let's look for that little flat together. Let's have that place leased before we separate again. Let's know it's there to bind us."

I turn over, painfully, to face him. "Yeah?"

He kisses me. "Yeah."

I smile. He kisses me again and then grimaces. "What's wrong?"

"You taste like girl."

I laugh and pin him back on the pillow, plunging my tongue into his mouth, feeling his urgent, demanding, hot response. This is what it's about for me. It wasn't that Cynthia isn't a good kisser or even that she isn't a man. It's that she isn't Justin. His arms close around my neck and suddenly my pain begins to recede as other hormones take over my body. I let go and relax in his embrace, knowing what will happen next, knowing that I'll like it, and knowing that this is exactly what I wanted for Christmas.
Current Mood: pensivepensive
gabe616gabe616 on May 30th, 2006 09:12 am (UTC)
I know there was a reason I liked Cynthia, lol. She sees through Brian almost as well as Justin does. And it's about time they find reasons that will keep them together and not drive them apart.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:51 am (UTC)
I think she understands him, true. but not like justin does. Yeah, i think they're trying to find ways
(Anonymous) on May 30th, 2006 10:12 am (UTC)
I just want to make the aches and pains go away. Brain has an interesting take on kissing a girl v. a man. I didn’t expect him to kiss Cynthia like THAT but should have known her words challenged him. I like the way Justin “see’s through” Brian and doesn’t agree.

"You taste like girl." Bwahaaaa

“It's that she isn't Justin.” Ahhhh, now I’m all mush again!

rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:52 am (UTC)
I dont think of brian as being big on the social kiss, either he kisses or he doesnt
connorblondconnorblond on May 30th, 2006 11:14 am (UTC)
Sorry, I haven't been around to give feedback for a while. But reading those last parts was a balm for the soul, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me this lovely escape.

rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:52 am (UTC)
sounds like your life is troubling at the moment, connor. hope things get better.
germansoulmate on May 30th, 2006 11:28 am (UTC)
"It's that she isn't Justin."

You manage to get me all weak...just with little...but not meaningless...lines. God....I love that.
Will I ever get rid of my Brian-Love? Do I want that.
Is there an other answer than "No!"?
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:53 am (UTC)
No, we need to hold onto that love, it was the heart of the show.
(no subject) - germansoulmate on May 31st, 2006 04:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
reboot_wlm on May 30th, 2006 11:35 am (UTC)
Harmless? Never!

I love the Brian Kinney ego.

I'm Brian fucking Kinney. I'm always on my game.

I also love the fact that Justin and Cynthnia love him in spite of it or because of it. I'm glad Justin continues to hang in there and Brian continues to let Justin grow despite his need to control everything. They really are amazing together. I think you've captured the essence of them exactly as it would be if they were working out this relationship.

The dialog in the last few chapters was excellent. Finally getting beyond the need to posture and really talking about how to build their life together in realistic terms that they can both live with and survive.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:54 am (UTC)
his ego is a thing to behold! BWAHAAA thanks for saying so, michelle. as you well know, I've been writing these two for years, so I hope I learned SOMETHING from all that time! At least this is what I take from them, for better or worse.
qafaddiction: ran romance paperworkqafaddiction on May 30th, 2006 11:55 am (UTC)
I think you probably know how much I love Cynthia and Brian, and this was just perfect. "Is there a point to this fantasy disaster?" hee... I can just see that "what the hell is your point" look on his face. I think she gets him more than he knows -- or is willing to admit, anyway. But this tells us everything we need to know:

It wasn't that Cynthia isn't a good kisser or even that she isn't a man. It's that she isn't Justin.

And that's why he's the one-night stand that never truly got away. :) I think Jen and Cyn did good, and hope springs eternal.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:55 am (UTC)
yeah, we share that cyn love, h! Love these cartier icons, btw
Still want him in your pack?: smooshy kiss by starcat_icons_alicesprings on May 30th, 2006 12:32 pm (UTC)
Mmmm, I'm so glad they're gonna go to NYC together, get that bind. And I won't quote that line that everyone's quoted, but yeah, great line. Makes me all gooey!
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:56 am (UTC)
thanks, gooey is good
Thymeoasis6028 on May 30th, 2006 01:19 pm (UTC)
Good one
Loved this chapter. Wish there had been more of this Cynthia/Brian discussion on the show. I think she has the ability to put things in perspective for Brian, in more ways than one.

And yes, that was a great line that everyone else has quoted. LOL

rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:56 am (UTC)
Re: Good one
thanks gayle, I always loved the two of them together.
Bow ties are cool.: Lovedmi_nion on May 30th, 2006 01:37 pm (UTC)
"Come back with me," he whispers. "Let's look for that little flat together. Let's have that place leased before we separate again. Let's know it's there to bind us."

Good for you Justin! I really hope they make it work.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:57 am (UTC)
in my world, they do
(no subject) - mi_nion on May 31st, 2006 01:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Totallyfrelledtotallyfrelled on May 30th, 2006 01:41 pm (UTC)

I think that this was some of the best Brian/Cynthia interaction that I've ever seen. So right, you could feel the emotions coming through the computer screen.

Justin's reaction was priceless and it was so comforting, to me, that he knew how to comfort Brian and put him back on track!

Great chapter, Thanks!
Totally Frelled.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:57 am (UTC)
thanks frelled. always wanted to see more cyn and brian.
Notincin: (paddies) kissesreader1 on May 30th, 2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
OK, I'll say it
At risk of being the equivalent of drawn and quartered in cyberspace, and as beautiful as all of the parts mentioned above were, I couldn't help but put myself in Cynthia's place here. And boy was it lovely! LOL! Having said that, I can see Brian using his incredible sex appeal as a weapon to even the playing field when he perceives Cynthia as getting too close, and understanding him too well. And I loved that you had Justin give Brian that little something that he needed to soothe the savage beast. I'm greatly looking forward to reading about the trip to New York.

I love how you have all of the women in Brian's life being on to him, Randall. I really think that Cynthia was, even in canon. You did a great job with their conversation, even though I was distracted at the same part where Cynthia was distracted! LOL! Thanks for a fun chapter, and a great daydream! Hugs, Sherrie
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 08:58 am (UTC)
Re: OK, I'll say it
why would you be drawn and quartered for saying that?? Who WOULDNT want gale's tongue in in said mouth??? BWAHAAA glad you liked it Sherrie
Re: OK, I'll say it - flamencanyc on May 31st, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
damietta on May 30th, 2006 08:39 pm (UTC)
I think the people in Brian's life who truly cared (Justin, Cynthia, and later Ted) and took the time to know Brian see through him. It's the people who have their own agenda (Michael, Debbie, Lindsay, Joan) who never quite get him. I never could place which side Emmett falls on.

I'm always reminded of Paul McCartney's song "Maybe I'm Amazed" when I read this story. 'Maybe I'm a lonely man in the middle of something that he just doesn't understand; Maybe I'm amazed at the way you really love me'.

jealin98jealin98 on May 30th, 2006 10:13 pm (UTC)
I'm always reminded of Paul McCartney's song "Maybe I'm Amazed" when I read this story. 'Maybe I'm a lonely man in the middle of something that he just doesn't understand; Maybe I'm amazed at the way you really love me'.

I love that song...It does fit this so well. Now I need to go listen to it.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on May 31st, 2006 12:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 31st, 2006 09:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rand_alt on May 31st, 2006 09:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
jealin98jealin98 on May 30th, 2006 10:12 pm (UTC)
I have to run but I had to respond, I haven't gotten a chance for awhile so I wanted to take advantage, lol.

This was so great. I just love Cyn so much and I love that she can see his pain, so unlike his "friends".

Justin couldn't have said a better thing to Brian. I think he was feeling a bit vulnerable and Justin took that fear away with one simple request. I look forward to them looking together for the flat.

What a great read this story has been...I have enjoyed every chapter, even the ones that made me cry like a baby.
rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:29 am (UTC)
thanks jeannie. its been a voyage for me to write it.
TKtclark1922 on May 31st, 2006 12:42 am (UTC)
"You taste like girl." I barked out such a loud laugh at this it's a wonder my next door neighbors didn't hear me! Wonderful interaction between Brian and Cynthia. Favorite part though, notwithstanding the B/C toe-curling kiss, was when Justin asked/urged Brian to go to NYC w/ him and find that place just for them. Great way to make that necessary connection that Brian needs--a physical reminder of their emotional bond. I'm also very glad that Brian did get what he wanted for Christmas.

Nice work Randall...

rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:30 am (UTC)
thanks tk.
thumpathumpa on May 31st, 2006 01:23 am (UTC)
I enjoy Cynthia and Brian's relationship as much as I do Ted and Brian's (S4-5). Witty comments and playful banter!

"Come back with me," he whispers. "Let's look for that little flat together. Let's have that place leased before we separate again. Let's know it's there to bind us."

I turn over, painfully, to face him. "Yeah?"

He kisses me. "Yeah."

*picture Emmett with his hand over his mouth trying not to burst with excitement/tears*

"You taste like girl."

That was a riot!!!
I would be offended, but I'm laughing too hard!!

rand_altrand_alt on May 31st, 2006 11:31 am (UTC)
ack! didn't mean to offend any of y'all
(no subject) - thumpathumpa on June 1st, 2006 12:53 am (UTC) (Expand)